I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
