yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
