it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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