hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
