I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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