nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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