I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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