yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
