Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
