I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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