he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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