Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
