I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
