I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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