Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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