I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
