In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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