im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We were destined to go to rehab together
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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