Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
