Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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