He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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