im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
