Soap is not a condiment
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
two words: eviction party
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
