Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
