She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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