I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I would fuck him just for his dog
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
