Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
