My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
