I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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