yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
