How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
