I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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