He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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