I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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