Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
