I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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