I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
