Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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