just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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