my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
