yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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