I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
