dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
