Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
