just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
