well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
