Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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