take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
