I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
