You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
