New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
