i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
