I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
